A new 100 dollar bill? Give me the old one and make it worth something

According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics:

Median weekly earnings of the nation's 96.8 million full-time wage and salary workers were $754 in the first quarter of 2010.

See that is not so bad... right? Now that little statistic may make one believe that half of us earn less and half earn more. That would not be the case though it actually means that half the income earned is above that number and half below... it says nothing specifically about how many people earn more or less, or something like that.. i dunno, still lacks any common sense. The other disturbing thing is that it only counts the employed. Read your news feeds people, in America that is becoming less common.

That is the problem with all this economic voodoo statistical bull shit. It is too complicated and all double speak. Let Lump-o-matic break it down super simple. There are really a few things that should trip off the "oh snap, are you drillin' me somewhere you shouldn't?" response... talking one like several thousand time harder than a "knee jerk" ... something on the Richter Scale.

• Okay, ASSUME, (I know there is a cliche there somewhere) that the statistic is a fact, forget the fact that 80% of all statistics are made up, and assume it is true. That means that, in a week, Johnny Average, can get 7 of those nice monopoly money looking things each week.
• This is only true if you are Johnny Average White Male, if you are a minority, female or started out poor, all the "statistics" indicate that you are going to see less of those crisp fake looking dollars anyhow.
• Assuming you are Johnny Average White Male and taxes are deducted, you actually only see about 60% of your weekly, meaning that you will, in fact, only get to 4 of those ugly portraits of founding fathers likely turning in graves. The government gets the other 2.80, and some average guy with 0.5 dog ends up with that mysterious remainder you thought you were getting.
• The great thing about living in the US is that we are "represented" Our founding fathers went to great lengths to assure the we would be represented by individuals who could relate to us as citizens. These Representatives and Senators earn 174,000 annually.. nobody is really sure how many weeks they actually work but for the sake of "statistics" assume 52. Therefore, 174,000 divided by 52 equals 3346.15 per week "worked" or almost four and a half times the "average" person they represent.
• While exact numbers vary with the source, its okay, it is "statistics" we can adjust them slightly, especially since we now mix it with "economics". Our current debt is about 12.8 Trillion dollars, and we are spending about 2,650 billion per year. In other words we spend 50 billion per week WITHOUT any debt repayment. (Trust me, I studied statistics and economics in college, two types of math that make more sense right about 4:20 at a Dead concert.)
• Now read back up 98.6 million "Johnny Averages" are taxed about what per week? Hmm...
• Social security is broke, in 2012, er uh no.. wait maybe already? (I was personally hoping for 2012 so at least we could theorize that it was the failure on the Mayan's part, failing to grasp scalability and doom us all in 2012.)
• The Senate/Congressional retirement fund seems secure and well vested? I hope it is just another statistic.
• Spending more will help. I think it is called ARRA.
• We were reminded often as children that money don't grow on trees.
• If it still don't make sense, go to a Dead show and re-read.

Now, if you have read up to here and are totally confused and this makes no sense at all. That is about right. I just don't get it either. I intended this to be published on 4/20... I just got so tied up into making sense of it, I ended up relapsing and published late. I just thought that that was the most appropriate date to get it to those in the right state of mind to actually believe it. Personally, I have now accepted the fact that I should be confused because we live in confusing times.

I am aware that the release of a new bill is news. After all, it represents a nation of democratic representation, opportunity for all and prosperity. Currently, what is that worth? Maybe the Washington should just burn all the old currency to add to the smoke screen? I wonder if any of the founders on the current bills would be willing to strike the flame?